I said I would do better and better I have done.

It may only be three short days since my last posting, but behold a mini update.

First things first - the wee baby in the last blog was Peter Andre.  What a dick. #teamkatie

So in news that makes me feel totes old (it is all about me) Bieber has turned 21 and wee Brooklyn Beckham is now 16.  I know, oh so very very old.  Oh and how hot does the doting dad routine make DB look?  Swwwwoooon.

In barnet news, Cheryl has had the chop because she is totes worth it.  Cheryl has been a little quiet of late since marrying her eurotrash husband and saying she probably won't do the xfactor again (she so will).  I feel like the hair is not a great move as it has the slight whiff of a 40 something divorcee making a statement.

Disappointing news from the Kklan all round.  Let's start with Khloe (the best) K who has been on holiday with the waste of space that is her on-again-off-again-buys-her-a-car-for-her-birthday-on-and-then-off-again bae.  I really do not know why she is going there.  She obvs still misses Lamar but she has to just wait for the right knight to come along and it ain't French because, quite frankly, he is a dick.  Kourtney is one unhappy mumma.  Appaz after 5 short days in rehab Scott was not magically cured of being a bit of a knob and she still admits to having 'trust issues' when he goes out partying.  Speaking of which, he is apparently being sued by a Manchester nightclub for turning up to do a PA (that's a personal appearance, duh) drunk. #wellcolourmesurprised

Eddie Redmayne got a flat tyre.  Jen Aniston isn't pregnant.  Suzanne Shaw is pregnant. Harry S may go solo.  David Walliams may get divorced.  Elle Mc turned 50 and looked amazing.  Kelly Brook wore a dress.  Chantelle Houghton wore a coat.  Millie M went to the gym (and took a lot of selfies).  

LEE RYAN NEWS:  The boys are back.  We are talking stadium(ish) tour and autobiography (lots of pictures) kind of back.  Which is awesome.  And they are now actually written about again.  And Duncan recently told ok magazine (again the online edition, but progress is progress) that 'Lee was once blind drunk during an interview.'  Oh lads, you do crack me up.  In fairness they look hawt.

Katie P got married.  I love her and will not have a word said against her.  Appaz at wedding number 7 (husband number 3, baby daddy 3) she gave a fairly toe curling speech where she outlined all of Kieran the stripper/plasterer's indiscretions - in front of everyone he knows.  How nice.  Well obviously not everyone he knows, I assume her mates that he shagged weren't there.  Anyway Kieran promised to do better and Katie seems happy so here's hoping they continue to make it work. #donotholdbreath

And finally, who is this:

A thousand apologies for how long this taken.  No excuses will be good enough.  I will try and do better from now on.

OMG so like MIC is like WTF this week.  Basically a rude photo appeared on wee Louise's insta of her beau (Alik 'I look like a mouse' Alfus) supposedly performing a rude act.  I know like,what the actual fuck right?  Well fear not, appaz someone hacked Louise's account (obvs) and the image was not actually of Alik.  Yeah right?  Do they think we like went to a state school or something?  Please bitches, we know an instantly-regretted-failed-publicity-sex-stunt when we see one. #totes

Kelly Brook.  What a woman.  Not only is she unable to keep a man (#youheardme) but now she has been dumped professionally too.  By New Look.  Everyone's favourite temple to all things peplum/polyester/cheap has said tata to the model/actress/whatever after 8 years of collaboration. Word on the (high) street is that apparently four broken engagements and a gym habit do not a fashion designer/brand ambassador make.

Eddie Redmayne won an oscar.  Spencer M went on holiday (again). Madonna fell in a cape.  The dress was #blueandblack.  Ed Sheeran won some Brits.  So did Sam Smith. Uma Thurman forgot her mascara.  Alex Gerard is going to America.  Victoria B did good at fashion week.  Nori misbehaved.  Mario F went out.  So did Vicky P.  Casey bachelor wore a bikini.  Danielle was given a car.  Fashion weeks happened.  Fearne C is preggers with baby 2.  Travolta was awks at the Oscars (again).  

In addition to all things red carpet (see below) the Z listers have been keeping us occupied too.  All is not well in the North East.  Charlotte from Geordie Shore is not happy because Holly from Geordie Shore lost weight at the same time that she had lost weight and launched her DVD.  Basically Char was mad that Holz was totes copying her, but then Vicky was all like 'bitches please, you are all copying me because I was the first one to be the fat one that then become the thin one.'  Not good.  TOWIE are also not happy and there has been a lot of muggin off.  Like, a lot.  Ferne felt mugged off by the white witch that told Bobby that he had a snake amongst his friends, but they went back to the witch and she said the snake's name began with a G, so that is handy (it is Gemma by the way).  Jess kissed a 'really friendly guy' in Vegas when still with Ricky, but Ricky is so over it because he thinks Marnie from Geordie Shore might actually be the one #sonottheone.  James 'Arg' Argent will make his return very soon having finished his rehab for being fat and lazy and drinking too much.  Which means there have also been lots of photos of him working out in the park #natch.  

Alex Reid, you know Alex?  The MMA fighter/cross-dresser who was married to Katie Price (for a bit), won Celebrity Big Brother and then got Chantelle Houghton (used to be married to Preston) pregnant and then proposed to her live on (Irish) TV?  There you go, yep that one, well he is now engaged again!  How lovely is that.  He had a party to celebrate his engagement and this is one of the pictures.  I don't know why there is a bed either.

Here are my favourite red carpet looks over the most recent weeks:

Classic and American - a brilliant look on Renee

Her new film may be complete pants but this woman can show girls half her age how it is done

I didn't love her Oscars dress, but she was gooooorgeous in red at the Baftas

I know some people hate it, but I think it is age appropriate and she looks great, without looking trashy

She can do not wrong and this is kind of vintage and kind of modern so it really looks phenomenal.  

NOW FOR THE GOOD STUFF.  THESE ARE THE WORST

I would say that I have no words.  But I do have two words - fucking hideous.  What is she doing?  No pants.  Just the one sleeve and a see through gown that a cashier in Ann Summers in Croydon would call low rent. #areyoublind

I cannot even deal.  This hideous/orange/red jumpsuit/moomoo is one of the ugliest things I have ever seen and serves as a clear reminder that she #isnotbeyonce

Nicole, Nicole, Nicole.  This is a car crash.  You have a smoking bod and you should be showing it off.  And as for the cleavage (or lack thereof) you are going to have to do a lot better to show him what he is missing.

I love Ryan Gosling, always have.  He is deep, he is sexy and he can act.  What a trilogy. Throw in a starring role in one of the greatest Romcoms of all time and blue eyes you could literally swim in and you have one hell of a heartthrob (I also love Ryan Reynolds, for the record).  But Gosling has done what I like to call 'pulling a Robbie' in that he has gone and got a dubious inking which makes him hard to love.  Very hard to love in fact.  He has had his daughter's name tattooed on him.  Usually something forgivable if the said ink can be hidden by a sleeve, but in this case he has had it on his hands.  Across his knuckles.  Oh well, if the acting doesn't work out he won't look out of place in the queue for JSA I suppose.

LEE RYAN NEWS:  Huzzah there is news.  Well sort of.  Lee was in ok magazine (online) chatting his life - "I have almost turned into a recluse...I just sit in my house and write on my piano and write scripts and stuff." So there we go, perhaps some of that 'stuff' will be stimulating our senses very soon.

Obvs we are all dealing with the end of Nicole and Lewis (again).  And Lewis has decided that the best way to get over his ex is to spend a lot of time with models (natch) in nightclubs and also break in to a career in music.  Yes really.  And here is the twitter photo captioned "my favourite place to be".  Let's hope someone shows him how to turn it on so he doesn't just have to just look at it.

It seems that Bruce Jenner may in fact be transgender and becoming a woman.  I still do not think this is true but his mother made some quite vague remarks that leave just enough interpretation for it to be possible that she means he is becoming a woman.  The rumour mill has, understandably, gone in to overdrive at this 'news' and it is thought that Bruce will be giving a tell all account to Diane Sawyer in the coming days/weeks (well, Oprah has retired). There is limited other KKlan news.  Kim has been in the UK which is always amazing and Khloe has continued her love affair with the gym.  Robert has not returned to the gym.

And finally, who is this?