In breaking news (of the karmic kind) everyone’s favourite weirdo couple, Helena BC and Tim Burton are no longer.  It appears that Tim is going through something of a midlife crisis and so has traded in his younger model for a younger model (this is yet to be confirmed but, you know, likely).  And just in case you are starting to feel sorry for Helena, please remind yourself that in that scene in Love Actually when Emma Thompson is crying in the bedroom, she is remembering the time that Helena stole her husband Kenneth Brannagh. #truestory

The gay hearts and the girl hearts were broken on Saturday when political supremo and boy band hero Master Adam Rickitt Esq married his girlfriend, Good Morning Britain presenter Katy Fawl.  Having recently witnessed his arms at close range (still a good 50ft) at the O2 I can confirm that she is one lucky lady #swoon #5thstory

Wee Jacqueline Jossa has had a very hard time of it recently.  Not only is she 5 months pregnant by TOWIE’s Dan Osborne, but her baby daddy was recently arrested for an ‘altercation’ with his other baby mumma.  Who only had his baby 12 months ago.  #stayclassy.  To be fair though, Dan looks like this, so he gets forgiven most stuff

Chloe Green is on holiday.  Simon Cowell is on holiday.  Una from the Saturdays is on holiday.  Maria Fowler got punched in the face.  Helen Flanagan is pregnant (and on holiday).   Hayden P had a baby.  Rachel Hunter wore a coat.  January Jones went to the dentist.  Nigella did some cooking.  Eddie Redmayne got married.  Katie Price removed her boobs.  Madonna flashed her boobs.  Dougie and Ellie are on holiday (but in Scotland so it doesn’t really count).  Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace (Big Brother 5) changed her hair.  Jack Tweed was arrested.  Chantelle Houghton now sells hair extensions.  Vicky left Geordie shore.  Andrew Garfield grew a beard.  1D wore a hat and looked stressed (not whilst in the hat, 2 separate stories).  Mariah has lost some of her ‘dumped by my baby-daddy-toyboy’ weight. Jessica Alba went to the gym.  Lauren Pope wore a jacket.  Jennifer Aniston wore glasses.  Elle McPherson went skiing.

Tulisa is a woman known for making good, solid life choices, and continuing in this vein she has this week enlisted a medium.  The ‘spiritual guru’ has confirmed that 2015 will be a better year for the NDubz songstress.  Well let’s all fucking hope so.

Anyone who was anyone was at Elton John’s wedding, including the entire adorable Beckhams.

In news that will please #allthesingleladies Cameron D is engaged!  It has taken 42 years and, let’s face it, some settling, but she is now engaged to the tattoo-covered-paris-hilton-cast-off that is Benji Madden.  Congrats Cammy D.

Where to begin with the K Klan news.  So Khloe may or may not still be with French Montana but has confirmed that she would rather be with Lamar (despite the cheating and the crack) so he is coming for crimbo dinner chez Kardashian.  Rob is still pretty much in hiding (there is one blurry pap shot of him still looking fat) and beauty and the beast are both doing well.  Bruce and Momager are divorced (offish) and Momager is now dating a 38 year old #obvs.  Kourt has dumped Scott and then taken him back and then given birth to Reign Aston Disick just in time for xmas.  Kimye are trying for a baby and in the meantime are arguing about their xmas plans, modelling for Balmain and piercing their daughter’s ears #trailerpark.  And Bruce looks like this:

Relations between Rita Ora and her stylist do not seem to have thawed:

Everyone’s favourite MAW (model, actress, whatever) Kelly Brook is back with her on-again-off-again-twitter-raging-roid-taking-gansta beau David McIntosh.  And so in love are they that they have been to Winter Wonderland (which is amazing btw) not once, not twice, but three times.  Nothing says love like being paid to attend a fun fair for the publicity.  The couple have yet to confirm that they are back together (or maybe no one has actually asked) but this picture was appaz taken on Dec 23rd.

Spare a thought this xmas time for those less fortunate than you – namely Daniella Westbrooke.  We all thought the whole disappearing septum things was the low.  Or maybe the rehab stint in 1998.  But alas this xmas sees Daniella unemployed, homeless and back on the Charlie.  She said this on twitter about the sitch - 'This year has been the worst year of my life. 'I’ve lost all work, we’re in a bedsit, I go to food banks… I messed up.'  But on the plus side she followed it up with ‘One good thing about stress is weight loss down to a size 6.'  SO yes she was dumped by her husband, and her toyboy and fired from being in a pantomime in Torquay (is there any lower to go??) and is back on the drugs and had to go to rehab (that was paid for by a tabloid) BUT she is skinny and has signed up for celebrity big brother in Jan so that will be great for her and, let’s face it, for us. 

LEE RYAN NEWS:  Lee Ryan is out of rehab, single and wore black tie to celebrate Simon’s not-quite-win on strictly

And finally,  who is this:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone.