Who was it last week?  The great Kylie Minogue, still rocking it well into her 40s.

The Ladies of Geordie Shore (yes I do understand the meaning of the word lady) have all put on and lost a few pounds in the name of extending their 15 minutes of fame.  Holly, Vicky, Marnie and Charlotte have all lost weight in 2014 and, if you want to find out how they did it, you need to start by buying some lycra gym wear 4 sizes too small, wear it in a public place, tweet an unflattering picture of yourself wearing it (if you can manage a sad face, that will help) then lose the weight with the help of a buff personal trainer (get papped touching him to get maximum tabloid interest) and then reveal the final results in a brightly coloured body-con dress 6 months later. Make some disparaging remarks about the 'old you' and 'never going back' and bob is your uncle.

Rita Ora has confirmed that she is one of Vicky Pollard’s 6 children by 7 different dads:

It seems that anyone who was anyone was on holiday over the festive period.  Simon Cowell made his regular pilgrimage to Barbados (nothing to do with tax you understand) with crazy Sinitta a couple of steps behind him.  Also in the Caribbean paradise were Union J and Jodie Marsh – not quite the same.  Other celebs picking up their buckets and spades include Heidi Klum, Stephanie Pratt, Naomi Campbell, Ellie Goulding, Dougie Poynter and Kelly Brook.

Speaking of everyone’s favourite Kelly Brook, it is rumoured that KB has been taking time out of her busy gym/looking pretty/angry tweeting schedule to look for houses in the North of England in order to strengthen her relationship with David ‘first to be evicted from celebrity big brother’ McIntosh.  The pair have been spending the holiday season Down Under but according to a publication with absolutely no integrity, Kelly is said to be looking for a £2m pad in one of the quaint villages near her beau.  In case you have forgotten, they have now been together (on and off and on and off and then dating other people and then on and then off and then) for a year, having got engaged back in March after a whirlwind romance.  I can see this ending really, really well.

LEE RYAN NEWS:  Fabulous news for all (6) Blue fans.  Not only have the boys signed up for their very own reality TV show this year, but they have also signed a new record deal. #iamassuprisedasanyone.  The lads are said to be ‘excited’ about having some work and are hoping for some A-list collaborations with the likes of George Michael (I don’t know where to start with that remark).  Having seen the boys in concert last year, I can safely say that I am ‘Guilty’ of being a fan.

Harry Styles wore a hat.  Cammy D got married.  Michelle Keegan went to gym.  Katie Hopkins got lots of column inches.  Myleen Klass went on holiday.  Fergie (the Black eyed peas one) wore a dress.  Chloe Madley has a job.  Emma Roberts wore a hat.  Rosamund Pike lost her baby weight.  Beth Ditto got married.  Stephen Fry is getting married.

In news to make everyone go awwww, Benedict C and his gorgeous fiancée Sophie have confirmed that they are expecting their first child.  The couple who, let’s face it, shine like a beacon to all the single women in their 30s (wait wait wait, some of the best ones aren’t still taken, you can still have it all) are truly adorable. AWWWWW.  The other big aww announcement this week is that Ryan Reynolds (my preference in the battle of Gosling v Reynolds) has become a dad for the first time after his with, the stunning Blake Lively, gave birth to a gorgeous bundle of joy. 

Celebrity Big Brother began in earnest today and it is set to be a good un – I always say that but I really think it will be.  In case you have forgotten or indeed never knew who these people were, here is my round up of the top people to watch:

Katie Hopkins – a reject from The Apprentice who has gone on to make a career out of being remarkably unpleasant.  She looks a bit like a witch, lists husband stealing as a skill on her CV and dislikes fat gingers called Tyler.

Perez Hilton.  The Godfather of modern celebrity blogging.  The only question is how much he will divulge on air.  #bowdown

Cami Li.  I know what you are thinking, who?  She refers to herself as an ‘alternative tattoo model.’  I have no idea what that means, but she has been in Hooters magazine (who knew there was a magazine?) and she was once engaged to Kirk Norcross from TOWIE (who she now hates, a lot).  She is one of those (dumb) pretty girls that moans about being called dumb because she is pretty.

Calum Best.  Famous for little other than being bankrupt, shagging girls and being George’s son. 

Jeremy Jackson – Ok you may not know the name, and you may not recognise the face (or the abs, like cobble stones my friends) but he was Mitch’s son Hobie in Baywatch back in the day.  Now he is all grown up and out of rehab. 

Kavana – I cannot tell you how excited I am!  Kavana was a 90s popstar (baby I can make you feel good) and has recently been part of the greatest boy/man band of all time 5^th Story (also feat. Kenzie, Gareth Gates, Dane Bowers and Adam Rickitt).  He was swoontastic back in the day and still has dimples to die for.  Nowadays he lives with his mum (he went bankrupt and they now have to rent because he spent all the mortgage money on drugs) so he will very much appreciate living somewhere that he doesn’t have to pay for the heating.  

Chegwin – The man, the legend.  He needs know introduction and is a national treasure who, as yet, has been untarnished by Operation Yewtree.

The K Klan have been doing very little this week.  Kimye have finally moved into chez Kimye having been renovating the property for the last 18 months.  Which is nice.  Khloe has been tweeting some deep shizzle, Rob is still in hiding, Kylie has said she hasn’t had plastic surgery (she is 17) but would consider it in the future.  Kim has also explained to Bruce (who is currently growing his hair and not doing much else) that Kris is totes upset about him dating her BFF.  Well duh.

And finally, who is this?