Sorry it has been a while (and Mel was the bloke on the last entry) but O to the M to the G have we had some fun on the red carpet.  Obvs I am not going to bother running through a list of gorgeous people looking gorgeous, so instead here are my worst offenders:



Keira - very happy that you are all loved up but butterflies are only acceptable on children and, moreover, that dress shape should be in a bin bag labelled 'bad maternity shit.'


This is possibly the worst outfit ever worn.  If J to the L O and Mariah have taught us one thing (they haven't be the way, they have taught us everything we will ever need to know) it is that you can look sexy and stylish post baby and post 40.  Well it seems Claire did not the memo.  Claire Sweeney offenders me from her cheap Louboutin knock offs to her Lizzie Duke necklace.  I'll give her the mane which is looking pretty fabulous but the dress, holy Jesus Christ the dress. Just shows one more use for that extra large roll of foil left over from xmas.

And finally:


You know how in our heads we all like to pretend we are Kimmy K (I honestly spend most of my life doing this) well Chloe Simms just took that too far.  Far far too far.  Pleather is an unforgiving material at the best of times, but when the camera flash serves to highlight the inrticacies of your belly button, perhaps not the best choice?  Oh and as much as I respect someone for having tits out or legs out not both, but this is everything out.  And it hurts my face.

LEE RYAN NEWS:  I have been loving 'Blue Go Mad in Ibiza' on ITV2.  The basic premise is that the #lads think they are running a bar in Ibiza to make money but it is actually a spoof and they are being set up.  So it is a bit rubbish but it is so nice to see the boys still getting on so well.  They are also all muscly and lovely and we get to hear a lot of acoustic versions of their songs.  Which is nice.And they say bruv, a lot.  You get me bruv?



You will never believe this but, apparently, Kelly Brooks and her on again off again stud mufin David M are, in fact, off again.  I know, I really thought it would work this time. So Kelly has decided to head to the gym to burn off some calories and has now lost 3 inches from around her waist.  Which is really far more important than having a happy personal life or a career.

McDreamy filed for divorce.  Michelle Keegan went to the gym.  Kylie wore a dress.  Amy Childs wore a coat.  Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams have split.  James Arg Argent left rehab and went to Las Vegas.

Obvs the big Kardashian news in recent weeks was THAT picture of Bruce Jenner on the front cover of In Touch Magazine.  The magazine had drawn lipstick on to Jenner and said that he was planning on becoming a woman.  Bitch please, there is a lot more to being a woman than some lipstick.  Anyone the article was both offensive and, probably, wrong.  In other news Kris J was in da house, and by in da house I mean in the UK.  She came, she fluffed some lines (she hilariously said Georgie Shore instead of Geordie Shore - oh how we laughed) and she left.  In other news Khloe is still going to the gym, Kimmy K is finally in her new home and Rob is still keeping out the public eye to concentrate on his sock design business (and weight loss).




So Celebrity Big Brother rumbles on and I, for one, am totally addicted.  Calum Best has arms to die for, Perez Hilton is certifiable, Michellee Visage is the woman I want to be and KATIE PRICE IS IN THERE. I love Katie.  And so far my favourite moment (possible of all time) was when her and some of the girls were discussing men liking a finger up their bottom during sex and someone asked her if that was the case with Alex Reid and she responded, quite classily, "I couldn't put enough up there." #pricey

And finally, who is this:

Who was it last week?  The great Kylie Minogue, still rocking it well into her 40s.

The Ladies of Geordie Shore (yes I do understand the meaning of the word lady) have all put on and lost a few pounds in the name of extending their 15 minutes of fame.  Holly, Vicky, Marnie and Charlotte have all lost weight in 2014 and, if you want to find out how they did it, you need to start by buying some lycra gym wear 4 sizes too small, wear it in a public place, tweet an unflattering picture of yourself wearing it (if you can manage a sad face, that will help) then lose the weight with the help of a buff personal trainer (get papped touching him to get maximum tabloid interest) and then reveal the final results in a brightly coloured body-con dress 6 months later. Make some disparaging remarks about the 'old you' and 'never going back' and bob is your uncle.

Rita Ora has confirmed that she is one of Vicky Pollard’s 6 children by 7 different dads:

It seems that anyone who was anyone was on holiday over the festive period.  Simon Cowell made his regular pilgrimage to Barbados (nothing to do with tax you understand) with crazy Sinitta a couple of steps behind him.  Also in the Caribbean paradise were Union J and Jodie Marsh – not quite the same.  Other celebs picking up their buckets and spades include Heidi Klum, Stephanie Pratt, Naomi Campbell, Ellie Goulding, Dougie Poynter and Kelly Brook.

Speaking of everyone’s favourite Kelly Brook, it is rumoured that KB has been taking time out of her busy gym/looking pretty/angry tweeting schedule to look for houses in the North of England in order to strengthen her relationship with David ‘first to be evicted from celebrity big brother’ McIntosh.  The pair have been spending the holiday season Down Under but according to a publication with absolutely no integrity, Kelly is said to be looking for a £2m pad in one of the quaint villages near her beau.  In case you have forgotten, they have now been together (on and off and on and off and then dating other people and then on and then off and then) for a year, having got engaged back in March after a whirlwind romance.  I can see this ending really, really well.

LEE RYAN NEWS:  Fabulous news for all (6) Blue fans.  Not only have the boys signed up for their very own reality TV show this year, but they have also signed a new record deal. #iamassuprisedasanyone.  The lads are said to be ‘excited’ about having some work and are hoping for some A-list collaborations with the likes of George Michael (I don’t know where to start with that remark).  Having seen the boys in concert last year, I can safely say that I am ‘Guilty’ of being a fan.

Harry Styles wore a hat.  Cammy D got married.  Michelle Keegan went to gym.  Katie Hopkins got lots of column inches.  Myleen Klass went on holiday.  Fergie (the Black eyed peas one) wore a dress.  Chloe Madley has a job.  Emma Roberts wore a hat.  Rosamund Pike lost her baby weight.  Beth Ditto got married.  Stephen Fry is getting married.

In news to make everyone go awwww, Benedict C and his gorgeous fiancée Sophie have confirmed that they are expecting their first child.  The couple who, let’s face it, shine like a beacon to all the single women in their 30s (wait wait wait, some of the best ones aren’t still taken, you can still have it all) are truly adorable. AWWWWW.  The other big aww announcement this week is that Ryan Reynolds (my preference in the battle of Gosling v Reynolds) has become a dad for the first time after his with, the stunning Blake Lively, gave birth to a gorgeous bundle of joy. 

Celebrity Big Brother began in earnest today and it is set to be a good un – I always say that but I really think it will be.  In case you have forgotten or indeed never knew who these people were, here is my round up of the top people to watch:

Katie Hopkins – a reject from The Apprentice who has gone on to make a career out of being remarkably unpleasant.  She looks a bit like a witch, lists husband stealing as a skill on her CV and dislikes fat gingers called Tyler.

Perez Hilton.  The Godfather of modern celebrity blogging.  The only question is how much he will divulge on air.  #bowdown

Cami Li.  I know what you are thinking, who?  She refers to herself as an ‘alternative tattoo model.’  I have no idea what that means, but she has been in Hooters magazine (who knew there was a magazine?) and she was once engaged to Kirk Norcross from TOWIE (who she now hates, a lot).  She is one of those (dumb) pretty girls that moans about being called dumb because she is pretty.

Calum Best.  Famous for little other than being bankrupt, shagging girls and being George’s son. 

Jeremy Jackson – Ok you may not know the name, and you may not recognise the face (or the abs, like cobble stones my friends) but he was Mitch’s son Hobie in Baywatch back in the day.  Now he is all grown up and out of rehab. 

Kavana – I cannot tell you how excited I am!  Kavana was a 90s popstar (baby I can make you feel good) and has recently been part of the greatest boy/man band of all time 5^th Story (also feat. Kenzie, Gareth Gates, Dane Bowers and Adam Rickitt).  He was swoontastic back in the day and still has dimples to die for.  Nowadays he lives with his mum (he went bankrupt and they now have to rent because he spent all the mortgage money on drugs) so he will very much appreciate living somewhere that he doesn’t have to pay for the heating.  

Chegwin – The man, the legend.  He needs know introduction and is a national treasure who, as yet, has been untarnished by Operation Yewtree.

The K Klan have been doing very little this week.  Kimye have finally moved into chez Kimye having been renovating the property for the last 18 months.  Which is nice.  Khloe has been tweeting some deep shizzle, Rob is still in hiding, Kylie has said she hasn’t had plastic surgery (she is 17) but would consider it in the future.  Kim has also explained to Bruce (who is currently growing his hair and not doing much else) that Kris is totes upset about him dating her BFF.  Well duh.

And finally, who is this?