I said I would do better and better I have done.

It may only be three short days since my last posting, but behold a mini update.

First things first - the wee baby in the last blog was Peter Andre.  What a dick. #teamkatie

So in news that makes me feel totes old (it is all about me) Bieber has turned 21 and wee Brooklyn Beckham is now 16.  I know, oh so very very old.  Oh and how hot does the doting dad routine make DB look?  Swwwwoooon.

In barnet news, Cheryl has had the chop because she is totes worth it.  Cheryl has been a little quiet of late since marrying her eurotrash husband and saying she probably won't do the xfactor again (she so will).  I feel like the hair is not a great move as it has the slight whiff of a 40 something divorcee making a statement.

Disappointing news from the Kklan all round.  Let's start with Khloe (the best) K who has been on holiday with the waste of space that is her on-again-off-again-buys-her-a-car-for-her-birthday-on-and-then-off-again bae.  I really do not know why she is going there.  She obvs still misses Lamar but she has to just wait for the right knight to come along and it ain't French because, quite frankly, he is a dick.  Kourtney is one unhappy mumma.  Appaz after 5 short days in rehab Scott was not magically cured of being a bit of a knob and she still admits to having 'trust issues' when he goes out partying.  Speaking of which, he is apparently being sued by a Manchester nightclub for turning up to do a PA (that's a personal appearance, duh) drunk. #wellcolourmesurprised

Eddie Redmayne got a flat tyre.  Jen Aniston isn't pregnant.  Suzanne Shaw is pregnant. Harry S may go solo.  David Walliams may get divorced.  Elle Mc turned 50 and looked amazing.  Kelly Brook wore a dress.  Chantelle Houghton wore a coat.  Millie M went to the gym (and took a lot of selfies).  

LEE RYAN NEWS:  The boys are back.  We are talking stadium(ish) tour and autobiography (lots of pictures) kind of back.  Which is awesome.  And they are now actually written about again.  And Duncan recently told ok magazine (again the online edition, but progress is progress) that 'Lee was once blind drunk during an interview.'  Oh lads, you do crack me up.  In fairness they look hawt.

Katie P got married.  I love her and will not have a word said against her.  Appaz at wedding number 7 (husband number 3, baby daddy 3) she gave a fairly toe curling speech where she outlined all of Kieran the stripper/plasterer's indiscretions - in front of everyone he knows.  How nice.  Well obviously not everyone he knows, I assume her mates that he shagged weren't there.  Anyway Kieran promised to do better and Katie seems happy so here's hoping they continue to make it work. #donotholdbreath

And finally, who is this:

A thousand apologies for how long this taken.  No excuses will be good enough.  I will try and do better from now on.

OMG so like MIC is like WTF this week.  Basically a rude photo appeared on wee Louise's insta of her beau (Alik 'I look like a mouse' Alfus) supposedly performing a rude act.  I know like,what the actual fuck right?  Well fear not, appaz someone hacked Louise's account (obvs) and the image was not actually of Alik.  Yeah right?  Do they think we like went to a state school or something?  Please bitches, we know an instantly-regretted-failed-publicity-sex-stunt when we see one. #totes

Kelly Brook.  What a woman.  Not only is she unable to keep a man (#youheardme) but now she has been dumped professionally too.  By New Look.  Everyone's favourite temple to all things peplum/polyester/cheap has said tata to the model/actress/whatever after 8 years of collaboration. Word on the (high) street is that apparently four broken engagements and a gym habit do not a fashion designer/brand ambassador make.

Eddie Redmayne won an oscar.  Spencer M went on holiday (again). Madonna fell in a cape.  The dress was #blueandblack.  Ed Sheeran won some Brits.  So did Sam Smith. Uma Thurman forgot her mascara.  Alex Gerard is going to America.  Victoria B did good at fashion week.  Nori misbehaved.  Mario F went out.  So did Vicky P.  Casey bachelor wore a bikini.  Danielle was given a car.  Fashion weeks happened.  Fearne C is preggers with baby 2.  Travolta was awks at the Oscars (again).  

In addition to all things red carpet (see below) the Z listers have been keeping us occupied too.  All is not well in the North East.  Charlotte from Geordie Shore is not happy because Holly from Geordie Shore lost weight at the same time that she had lost weight and launched her DVD.  Basically Char was mad that Holz was totes copying her, but then Vicky was all like 'bitches please, you are all copying me because I was the first one to be the fat one that then become the thin one.'  Not good.  TOWIE are also not happy and there has been a lot of muggin off.  Like, a lot.  Ferne felt mugged off by the white witch that told Bobby that he had a snake amongst his friends, but they went back to the witch and she said the snake's name began with a G, so that is handy (it is Gemma by the way).  Jess kissed a 'really friendly guy' in Vegas when still with Ricky, but Ricky is so over it because he thinks Marnie from Geordie Shore might actually be the one #sonottheone.  James 'Arg' Argent will make his return very soon having finished his rehab for being fat and lazy and drinking too much.  Which means there have also been lots of photos of him working out in the park #natch.  

Alex Reid, you know Alex?  The MMA fighter/cross-dresser who was married to Katie Price (for a bit), won Celebrity Big Brother and then got Chantelle Houghton (used to be married to Preston) pregnant and then proposed to her live on (Irish) TV?  There you go, yep that one, well he is now engaged again!  How lovely is that.  He had a party to celebrate his engagement and this is one of the pictures.  I don't know why there is a bed either.

Here are my favourite red carpet looks over the most recent weeks:

Classic and American - a brilliant look on Renee

Her new film may be complete pants but this woman can show girls half her age how it is done

I didn't love her Oscars dress, but she was gooooorgeous in red at the Baftas

I know some people hate it, but I think it is age appropriate and she looks great, without looking trashy

She can do not wrong and this is kind of vintage and kind of modern so it really looks phenomenal.  

NOW FOR THE GOOD STUFF.  THESE ARE THE WORST

I would say that I have no words.  But I do have two words - fucking hideous.  What is she doing?  No pants.  Just the one sleeve and a see through gown that a cashier in Ann Summers in Croydon would call low rent. #areyoublind

I cannot even deal.  This hideous/orange/red jumpsuit/moomoo is one of the ugliest things I have ever seen and serves as a clear reminder that she #isnotbeyonce

Nicole, Nicole, Nicole.  This is a car crash.  You have a smoking bod and you should be showing it off.  And as for the cleavage (or lack thereof) you are going to have to do a lot better to show him what he is missing.

I love Ryan Gosling, always have.  He is deep, he is sexy and he can act.  What a trilogy. Throw in a starring role in one of the greatest Romcoms of all time and blue eyes you could literally swim in and you have one hell of a heartthrob (I also love Ryan Reynolds, for the record).  But Gosling has done what I like to call 'pulling a Robbie' in that he has gone and got a dubious inking which makes him hard to love.  Very hard to love in fact.  He has had his daughter's name tattooed on him.  Usually something forgivable if the said ink can be hidden by a sleeve, but in this case he has had it on his hands.  Across his knuckles.  Oh well, if the acting doesn't work out he won't look out of place in the queue for JSA I suppose.

LEE RYAN NEWS:  Huzzah there is news.  Well sort of.  Lee was in ok magazine (online) chatting his life - "I have almost turned into a recluse...I just sit in my house and write on my piano and write scripts and stuff." So there we go, perhaps some of that 'stuff' will be stimulating our senses very soon.

Obvs we are all dealing with the end of Nicole and Lewis (again).  And Lewis has decided that the best way to get over his ex is to spend a lot of time with models (natch) in nightclubs and also break in to a career in music.  Yes really.  And here is the twitter photo captioned "my favourite place to be".  Let's hope someone shows him how to turn it on so he doesn't just have to just look at it.

It seems that Bruce Jenner may in fact be transgender and becoming a woman.  I still do not think this is true but his mother made some quite vague remarks that leave just enough interpretation for it to be possible that she means he is becoming a woman.  The rumour mill has, understandably, gone in to overdrive at this 'news' and it is thought that Bruce will be giving a tell all account to Diane Sawyer in the coming days/weeks (well, Oprah has retired). There is limited other KKlan news.  Kim has been in the UK which is always amazing and Khloe has continued her love affair with the gym.  Robert has not returned to the gym.

And finally, who is this?

Sorry it has been a while (and Mel was the bloke on the last entry) but O to the M to the G have we had some fun on the red carpet.  Obvs I am not going to bother running through a list of gorgeous people looking gorgeous, so instead here are my worst offenders:



Keira - very happy that you are all loved up but butterflies are only acceptable on children and, moreover, that dress shape should be in a bin bag labelled 'bad maternity shit.'


This is possibly the worst outfit ever worn.  If J to the L O and Mariah have taught us one thing (they haven't be the way, they have taught us everything we will ever need to know) it is that you can look sexy and stylish post baby and post 40.  Well it seems Claire did not the memo.  Claire Sweeney offenders me from her cheap Louboutin knock offs to her Lizzie Duke necklace.  I'll give her the mane which is looking pretty fabulous but the dress, holy Jesus Christ the dress. Just shows one more use for that extra large roll of foil left over from xmas.

And finally:


You know how in our heads we all like to pretend we are Kimmy K (I honestly spend most of my life doing this) well Chloe Simms just took that too far.  Far far too far.  Pleather is an unforgiving material at the best of times, but when the camera flash serves to highlight the inrticacies of your belly button, perhaps not the best choice?  Oh and as much as I respect someone for having tits out or legs out not both, but this is everything out.  And it hurts my face.

LEE RYAN NEWS:  I have been loving 'Blue Go Mad in Ibiza' on ITV2.  The basic premise is that the #lads think they are running a bar in Ibiza to make money but it is actually a spoof and they are being set up.  So it is a bit rubbish but it is so nice to see the boys still getting on so well.  They are also all muscly and lovely and we get to hear a lot of acoustic versions of their songs.  Which is nice.And they say bruv, a lot.  You get me bruv?



You will never believe this but, apparently, Kelly Brooks and her on again off again stud mufin David M are, in fact, off again.  I know, I really thought it would work this time. So Kelly has decided to head to the gym to burn off some calories and has now lost 3 inches from around her waist.  Which is really far more important than having a happy personal life or a career.

McDreamy filed for divorce.  Michelle Keegan went to the gym.  Kylie wore a dress.  Amy Childs wore a coat.  Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams have split.  James Arg Argent left rehab and went to Las Vegas.

Obvs the big Kardashian news in recent weeks was THAT picture of Bruce Jenner on the front cover of In Touch Magazine.  The magazine had drawn lipstick on to Jenner and said that he was planning on becoming a woman.  Bitch please, there is a lot more to being a woman than some lipstick.  Anyone the article was both offensive and, probably, wrong.  In other news Kris J was in da house, and by in da house I mean in the UK.  She came, she fluffed some lines (she hilariously said Georgie Shore instead of Geordie Shore - oh how we laughed) and she left.  In other news Khloe is still going to the gym, Kimmy K is finally in her new home and Rob is still keeping out the public eye to concentrate on his sock design business (and weight loss).




So Celebrity Big Brother rumbles on and I, for one, am totally addicted.  Calum Best has arms to die for, Perez Hilton is certifiable, Michellee Visage is the woman I want to be and KATIE PRICE IS IN THERE. I love Katie.  And so far my favourite moment (possible of all time) was when her and some of the girls were discussing men liking a finger up their bottom during sex and someone asked her if that was the case with Alex Reid and she responded, quite classily, "I couldn't put enough up there." #pricey

And finally, who is this:

Who was it last week?  The great Kylie Minogue, still rocking it well into her 40s.

The Ladies of Geordie Shore (yes I do understand the meaning of the word lady) have all put on and lost a few pounds in the name of extending their 15 minutes of fame.  Holly, Vicky, Marnie and Charlotte have all lost weight in 2014 and, if you want to find out how they did it, you need to start by buying some lycra gym wear 4 sizes too small, wear it in a public place, tweet an unflattering picture of yourself wearing it (if you can manage a sad face, that will help) then lose the weight with the help of a buff personal trainer (get papped touching him to get maximum tabloid interest) and then reveal the final results in a brightly coloured body-con dress 6 months later. Make some disparaging remarks about the 'old you' and 'never going back' and bob is your uncle.

Rita Ora has confirmed that she is one of Vicky Pollard’s 6 children by 7 different dads:

It seems that anyone who was anyone was on holiday over the festive period.  Simon Cowell made his regular pilgrimage to Barbados (nothing to do with tax you understand) with crazy Sinitta a couple of steps behind him.  Also in the Caribbean paradise were Union J and Jodie Marsh – not quite the same.  Other celebs picking up their buckets and spades include Heidi Klum, Stephanie Pratt, Naomi Campbell, Ellie Goulding, Dougie Poynter and Kelly Brook.

Speaking of everyone’s favourite Kelly Brook, it is rumoured that KB has been taking time out of her busy gym/looking pretty/angry tweeting schedule to look for houses in the North of England in order to strengthen her relationship with David ‘first to be evicted from celebrity big brother’ McIntosh.  The pair have been spending the holiday season Down Under but according to a publication with absolutely no integrity, Kelly is said to be looking for a £2m pad in one of the quaint villages near her beau.  In case you have forgotten, they have now been together (on and off and on and off and then dating other people and then on and then off and then) for a year, having got engaged back in March after a whirlwind romance.  I can see this ending really, really well.

LEE RYAN NEWS:  Fabulous news for all (6) Blue fans.  Not only have the boys signed up for their very own reality TV show this year, but they have also signed a new record deal. #iamassuprisedasanyone.  The lads are said to be ‘excited’ about having some work and are hoping for some A-list collaborations with the likes of George Michael (I don’t know where to start with that remark).  Having seen the boys in concert last year, I can safely say that I am ‘Guilty’ of being a fan.

Harry Styles wore a hat.  Cammy D got married.  Michelle Keegan went to gym.  Katie Hopkins got lots of column inches.  Myleen Klass went on holiday.  Fergie (the Black eyed peas one) wore a dress.  Chloe Madley has a job.  Emma Roberts wore a hat.  Rosamund Pike lost her baby weight.  Beth Ditto got married.  Stephen Fry is getting married.

In news to make everyone go awwww, Benedict C and his gorgeous fiancée Sophie have confirmed that they are expecting their first child.  The couple who, let’s face it, shine like a beacon to all the single women in their 30s (wait wait wait, some of the best ones aren’t still taken, you can still have it all) are truly adorable. AWWWWW.  The other big aww announcement this week is that Ryan Reynolds (my preference in the battle of Gosling v Reynolds) has become a dad for the first time after his with, the stunning Blake Lively, gave birth to a gorgeous bundle of joy. 

Celebrity Big Brother began in earnest today and it is set to be a good un – I always say that but I really think it will be.  In case you have forgotten or indeed never knew who these people were, here is my round up of the top people to watch:

Katie Hopkins – a reject from The Apprentice who has gone on to make a career out of being remarkably unpleasant.  She looks a bit like a witch, lists husband stealing as a skill on her CV and dislikes fat gingers called Tyler.

Perez Hilton.  The Godfather of modern celebrity blogging.  The only question is how much he will divulge on air.  #bowdown

Cami Li.  I know what you are thinking, who?  She refers to herself as an ‘alternative tattoo model.’  I have no idea what that means, but she has been in Hooters magazine (who knew there was a magazine?) and she was once engaged to Kirk Norcross from TOWIE (who she now hates, a lot).  She is one of those (dumb) pretty girls that moans about being called dumb because she is pretty.

Calum Best.  Famous for little other than being bankrupt, shagging girls and being George’s son. 

Jeremy Jackson – Ok you may not know the name, and you may not recognise the face (or the abs, like cobble stones my friends) but he was Mitch’s son Hobie in Baywatch back in the day.  Now he is all grown up and out of rehab. 

Kavana – I cannot tell you how excited I am!  Kavana was a 90s popstar (baby I can make you feel good) and has recently been part of the greatest boy/man band of all time 5^th Story (also feat. Kenzie, Gareth Gates, Dane Bowers and Adam Rickitt).  He was swoontastic back in the day and still has dimples to die for.  Nowadays he lives with his mum (he went bankrupt and they now have to rent because he spent all the mortgage money on drugs) so he will very much appreciate living somewhere that he doesn’t have to pay for the heating.  

Chegwin – The man, the legend.  He needs know introduction and is a national treasure who, as yet, has been untarnished by Operation Yewtree.

The K Klan have been doing very little this week.  Kimye have finally moved into chez Kimye having been renovating the property for the last 18 months.  Which is nice.  Khloe has been tweeting some deep shizzle, Rob is still in hiding, Kylie has said she hasn’t had plastic surgery (she is 17) but would consider it in the future.  Kim has also explained to Bruce (who is currently growing his hair and not doing much else) that Kris is totes upset about him dating her BFF.  Well duh.

And finally, who is this?

In breaking news (of the karmic kind) everyone’s favourite weirdo couple, Helena BC and Tim Burton are no longer.  It appears that Tim is going through something of a midlife crisis and so has traded in his younger model for a younger model (this is yet to be confirmed but, you know, likely).  And just in case you are starting to feel sorry for Helena, please remind yourself that in that scene in Love Actually when Emma Thompson is crying in the bedroom, she is remembering the time that Helena stole her husband Kenneth Brannagh. #truestory

The gay hearts and the girl hearts were broken on Saturday when political supremo and boy band hero Master Adam Rickitt Esq married his girlfriend, Good Morning Britain presenter Katy Fawl.  Having recently witnessed his arms at close range (still a good 50ft) at the O2 I can confirm that she is one lucky lady #swoon #5thstory

Wee Jacqueline Jossa has had a very hard time of it recently.  Not only is she 5 months pregnant by TOWIE’s Dan Osborne, but her baby daddy was recently arrested for an ‘altercation’ with his other baby mumma.  Who only had his baby 12 months ago.  #stayclassy.  To be fair though, Dan looks like this, so he gets forgiven most stuff

Chloe Green is on holiday.  Simon Cowell is on holiday.  Una from the Saturdays is on holiday.  Maria Fowler got punched in the face.  Helen Flanagan is pregnant (and on holiday).   Hayden P had a baby.  Rachel Hunter wore a coat.  January Jones went to the dentist.  Nigella did some cooking.  Eddie Redmayne got married.  Katie Price removed her boobs.  Madonna flashed her boobs.  Dougie and Ellie are on holiday (but in Scotland so it doesn’t really count).  Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace (Big Brother 5) changed her hair.  Jack Tweed was arrested.  Chantelle Houghton now sells hair extensions.  Vicky left Geordie shore.  Andrew Garfield grew a beard.  1D wore a hat and looked stressed (not whilst in the hat, 2 separate stories).  Mariah has lost some of her ‘dumped by my baby-daddy-toyboy’ weight. Jessica Alba went to the gym.  Lauren Pope wore a jacket.  Jennifer Aniston wore glasses.  Elle McPherson went skiing.

Tulisa is a woman known for making good, solid life choices, and continuing in this vein she has this week enlisted a medium.  The ‘spiritual guru’ has confirmed that 2015 will be a better year for the NDubz songstress.  Well let’s all fucking hope so.

Anyone who was anyone was at Elton John’s wedding, including the entire adorable Beckhams.

In news that will please #allthesingleladies Cameron D is engaged!  It has taken 42 years and, let’s face it, some settling, but she is now engaged to the tattoo-covered-paris-hilton-cast-off that is Benji Madden.  Congrats Cammy D.

Where to begin with the K Klan news.  So Khloe may or may not still be with French Montana but has confirmed that she would rather be with Lamar (despite the cheating and the crack) so he is coming for crimbo dinner chez Kardashian.  Rob is still pretty much in hiding (there is one blurry pap shot of him still looking fat) and beauty and the beast are both doing well.  Bruce and Momager are divorced (offish) and Momager is now dating a 38 year old #obvs.  Kourt has dumped Scott and then taken him back and then given birth to Reign Aston Disick just in time for xmas.  Kimye are trying for a baby and in the meantime are arguing about their xmas plans, modelling for Balmain and piercing their daughter’s ears #trailerpark.  And Bruce looks like this:

Relations between Rita Ora and her stylist do not seem to have thawed:

Everyone’s favourite MAW (model, actress, whatever) Kelly Brook is back with her on-again-off-again-twitter-raging-roid-taking-gansta beau David McIntosh.  And so in love are they that they have been to Winter Wonderland (which is amazing btw) not once, not twice, but three times.  Nothing says love like being paid to attend a fun fair for the publicity.  The couple have yet to confirm that they are back together (or maybe no one has actually asked) but this picture was appaz taken on Dec 23rd.

Spare a thought this xmas time for those less fortunate than you – namely Daniella Westbrooke.  We all thought the whole disappearing septum things was the low.  Or maybe the rehab stint in 1998.  But alas this xmas sees Daniella unemployed, homeless and back on the Charlie.  She said this on twitter about the sitch - 'This year has been the worst year of my life. 'I’ve lost all work, we’re in a bedsit, I go to food banks… I messed up.'  But on the plus side she followed it up with ‘One good thing about stress is weight loss down to a size 6.'  SO yes she was dumped by her husband, and her toyboy and fired from being in a pantomime in Torquay (is there any lower to go??) and is back on the drugs and had to go to rehab (that was paid for by a tabloid) BUT she is skinny and has signed up for celebrity big brother in Jan so that will be great for her and, let’s face it, for us. 

LEE RYAN NEWS:  Lee Ryan is out of rehab, single and wore black tie to celebrate Simon’s not-quite-win on strictly

And finally,  who is this:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone.